[NU Spork] Restaurant Review: Foster-Walker Complex’s East Dining Hall
By Tommy Schapiro Foster-Walker Complex–East Side: ★ ★ ★ ★ Hi guys! My name is Tommy and I’m so excited to be your Special Middle School Dining Hall Reviewer. A special thanks to The Flipside for doing...
View ArticleSenate Confirms Bagel as Secretary of Defense
WASHINGTON — The Senate today confirmed a bagel as the nation’s next Secretary of Defense in a stunning show of bipartisanship. After it became clear that the confirmation of Chuck Hagel would be an...
View ArticleA Review of Found: A Restaurant Fit for a Stefon
I just heard about this absolutely fabulous social house (it’s not the same as a restaurant, but I won’t expect you to know the difference) from Stefon called Found. Once he said that it had both fried...
View ArticleNew Hostess CEO Plans to Avoid Labor Unions, Hires Keebler Elves
COLUMBUS, GA — Trans fat gourmands across America rejoiced this past week upon hearing that Apollo Global Management LLC, the firm that bought the royal icing of the Hostess empire, the Twinkie, had...
View ArticlePRESS RELEASE: What Is a Gardetto, Anyways?
“Pass the Gardettos,” you say? Is that what you want? Tell me, what IS a Gardetto? Is it the rye chips? Is it the teeny tiny crunchy bread sticks? Is it the unsalted yet delicious pretzels? No! A...
View ArticleMan Eats Both Nature Valley Granola Bars at Once Like a Goddamn Barbarian
URBANA, IL — As onlookers watched in disgust and revulsion, University of Illinois junior Brian Torrey tore open the package of his Oats and Honey-flavored Nature Valley bars and proceeded to bite into...
View ArticleThe Five Stages of the Freshman Fifteen
By Lena Goren Stage 1: Joking You arrive on campus, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. You step into the dining hall, surrounded by strangers. All you want is to fit in, so you pile your plate high with...
View ArticleConfused Freshman Searches for Food in Elder Dining Hall
Today, local freshman Shannon Sterling, WCAS ’20, drew gasps of surprise from Sodexo staff as she began searching Elder Dining Hall for food. Reportedly, a confused Sterling decided to start wandering...
View ArticleElder Dining Hall to Add PlayPlace to Boost Traffic
By Nyle Arora In what Wall Street analysts are praising as “a genius business move that will dominate the dining hall industry”, Northwestern Dining Services has announced that Elder’s dining hall will...
View Article
